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Am I The Only One?

Looking for The Lactivist? She's retired. But you CAN still find Jen blogging. These days, she's runs A Flexible Life. Join her for life, recipes, projects and the occasional rant.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Some weeks I find myself looking over my shoulder to see if a film crew is following me. Really...there's no other explanation for the past few weeks if my life is not a sitcom.

The highlights? My laptop is busted and must be shipped off for up to two weeks to be fixed.

The laptop I borrowed from my sister-in-law survived for an hour before my idiot dog broke it.

Yep, that's two laptops to be fixed, and I have to pay for the second one.

Then the same idiot dog tried to eat a skunk. (anyone want a basinji mix?)

Then Greg decided that if we ran the a/c that it would move all the skunk air around the house and it would stick to all the fabric, so I spent the day working in a house that got to 96 degrees before shouting "screw it all" and turning on the air.

And that's only the things I feel like talking about.

So, pleas know that posts will be sparse the next two weeks since I'll be stuck working on the desktop when the kids are sleeping and I'll have to prioritize on the things that actually earn me a decent living. I'll try to get a few posts a week up.

Oh, or...here's a thought. If you'd like to guest post here at the Lactivist, sent me an email with your post text and a link to your blog. If I think it's a good fit, I'll post it here with credit for you and links back to your blog so that readers that like your style can come and read more of your musings.

In the meantime, here's a little something my cousin sent me that will give you an idea of my life right now.

Thinking of becoming a parent? Try this 15 step plan first.

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel....

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out..

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.

2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.

3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.


1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 8

1. Get ready to go out.

2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.

3. Go out the front door.

4. Come in again. Go out.

5. Come back in.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path.

8. Walk back up it.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9

Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is also excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's "Noggin"?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 13

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway
and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly.

(Important: no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek, anyone who is parent will say "it's all worth it!" Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

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  1. Anonymous Anonymous | 4:17 AM |  

    The ones that have all the answers/advice are other moms, not childless people.

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 5:13 AM |  

    Thanks, Jen. I needed a laugh! And no, you are not the only one.

  3. Blogger Catherine | 6:23 AM |  

    Lesson 7 reminds me of a video I watched on YouTube - "Mom Your Ride" - very funny!

    Catherine from frugalbabytips.blogspot.com

  4. Anonymous Aruni | 9:28 AM |  

    Hilarious! Hopefully your readers are reading this and laughing while breastfeeding. :-)

  5. Blogger Lesley | 9:49 AM |  

    Thanks Jen...I needed that!

  6. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:01 AM |  

    That list is HYSTERICAL! Everyone around me must think I'm nuts because I'm laughing out loud here at work. The watermellon one made me laugh the most. Good post, hon.


  7. Blogger Ahmie | 10:38 AM |  

    :( Sorry to hear technology is so sucky for you right now. I'd offer to lend you an extra computer if we weren't 2hrs away (we have more computers than humans in the house, though I'm not sure of the current functioning status of the laptops - don't use them much because of toddler, cheaper to replace a wireless keyboard plugged into a hidden computer in the playroom that goes into suspend mode when not in use). Gonna miss having you update as frequently now that I'm in "sit around and wait for labor to start" mode.

  8. Anonymous Melissa | 12:15 PM |  

    A tip for the skunk smell- Vinegar. I once had a family of skunks livin under my house, and until we had them all caught and removed I went through gallons of vinegar. Just pour some in a few bowls and set them throughout the house and they soak the smell right up. You can also put it in a spray bottle and mist clothes or furniture that has soaked up the skunk smell.

  9. Blogger Heather | 1:40 PM |  

    I was especially amused by the octopus one.

  10. Blogger amygeekgrl | 2:00 PM |  

    those "lessons" were hilarious. thanks for the laugh. :)

    hope your laptop is up and running again soon.

  11. Blogger Darlene | 6:05 PM |  

    It's NOT nice for grown women (actually, I think 'cougar' is the current term) to wet their pants!!!If I had one, I would have reached for the oxygen tank 'cause I couldn't breathe. Laughing while wetting your undies will do that to you!

  12. Blogger Renata | 8:39 PM |  

    Sometimes I wish a film crew would follow me so that I could remember what I was supposed to laugh at ;-)
    This too shall pass...

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